Lately, it seems, I have been thinking about little of importance. I ordered the book, “The Motivation Manifesto,” to see if it can motivate me to get moving on something.
I still feel that I have no where to fit into the world. I just pass day by day without living. My mind gets further and further from matters of importance as I escape into Daydreaming.
Daydreaming, an old habit. A wonderful mechanism of coping with dull day by day existence of life that is completely free. I don’t have to pay a ticket price to Daydream. It certainly is a good, stress reducing, process. Yet, when little entertaining happens otherwise, it is addicting.
You see, being Schizoaffective, I have not always been able to Daydream in high quality. (Stupid depression and Medication) When suddenly my imagination is energized, I want to escape into Daydreaming as much as possible. Tomorrow I might not feel as Creative.
So, when my imagination gets fired up, I start to go out less. I get less exercise. I take advantage of my increased mental ability before it fades away.
I start to worry about my life passing by, but I am too addicted to stop. All to often in my life, have I been forced to play the exact same scene in my mind without only slight variation.
I will admit it. I have changed. I no longer talk as much, or even bother to Blog. It is the nature of my illness to change completely with the different seasons. I am a little confused as to what brought on this season. The only thing I can think of is my metabolism slowing down with my diet. As I have Hypothyroidism this slowing down is more dramatic then with normal dieting. Just last week I decided to take the risk and switch to a T3/T4 combination. So my metabolism might speed back up, changing me into a different (unknown) season.
I was researching the possibility that my low T3 was caused by dieting. It would appear that low T3 is common in diets, and serves to protect muscle. I know that the internet is not always reliable, but the site appears to have backed up the statement with studies. I will post the link for you to decide yourself.
According to this, if you use a T3 medication to balance the Thyroid while dieting, the result will be greater muscle loss during the diet. Weight loss will increase, but it will not be the part of your body you want to lose. So it might be good that my insurance did not cover Naturethroid. My Doctor wanted to put me on it when he discovered my T3 levels were low. I was unsure about it because I wanted to try natural ways to increase my T3 levels, and my Doctor appeared to be putting me on a higher dose then I was on Synthroid.
So it appears that while T3 to rT3 is better for detecting Hypothyroidism, it is not good for when you are on a diet. The diet will greatly effect T3 levels. So it appears that symptoms are the best indicator of Hypothyroidism.
I am able to lose weight, so this is a good sign. I have to say that I am doing a lot better then before Synthroid. Yet, there are so many factors to take into account. I also switched from Zyprexa to Latuda. I also have NASH.
There are so many factors that could be effecting my health, that I really do need a good Doctor to help me. I’m hoping that when I change Doctors they will be able to figure out why my period stops for three months at a time. I have been feeling a lot better energy wise while on my diet. Oh, and I do not have an autoimmune against my Thyroid.
Earlier today I had a desire to post. Yet, I had to wait. I will try to recapture that feeling.
I am in a strange place. After so many years of barely being able to do anything, I finally feel more able. Yet, I still cannot fit in the world. I am not yet strong enough to make my own space. I am in this in between state.
I was considered Schizoaffective Bipolar for many years. Yet, it all might be connected to my Thyroid. So helping my Thyroid has enabled me to feel much better, but as I step out of the haze, I discover that I do not fit in the world of adults at all.
A few days ago, a job I really wanted was filled by another person. I received a personal email explaining why. It stated that, while my writing skills are excellent, my communication skills are not advanced enough for the position. (I am really horrible at interviews.)
It is nice to hear that my writing skills are excellent, but I do not feel talented enough to make a living writing. I’d love to make a living writing, but lack the confidence to pursue it. Author seems like the perfect job for someone who communicates better though writing then talking.
I am working on talking. I am really good a small talk, but it took me many years to get to that ability. Discovering I might be Autistic really helps me understand why.
I know that it is time to start up my story. The one I have been putting off because I do not feel able enough, as a writer, to accomplish it. The pressure is building on all the ideas, I’ve had over the years. So many that 99% of them are forgotten. It is time to take this to the next level, and get it out of my head onto paper.
I know I stated something similar weeks ago, but I cannot seem to get myself to start. My mind has been in record mode for so long, yet now I need to edit a movie out of it.
Maybe a week ago I started playing the Sims 3 again. I never really played the Sims 3, nearly as much as the SIms 2. When it first came out, my computer was to ancient to run the Sims 3.
I am fully aware that the Sims 4 will be coming out soon. I’d buy it, but I have a mac. The mac release date is unset. Some people are worried that it will never come to the mac. I am worried that it will come to the tablets only. Both these worries are unrealistic. There are simply too many mac users who support the Sims. No good business would overlook such a big market. It will take extra time to convert the Sims 4 to a tablet, so it makes sense to start with normal computers.
I have an idea for the Sims 5. To make it so that it can be played on both iphones (or ipod Touch), tablets, and computers. Not just that, but you can continue the play game on one of them, and the others will update.
In the Sims community there is a lot of talk about all the features missing from the base game that were in past base games, but I would prefer time being spent making sure it is a new game. If Maxis (part of EA) focused on including every feature of the old, they wouldn’t have time to design anything new.
It is fun how the internet allows you access to so many different communities just by searching. All you need is a mild interest in the SIms, and you are able to read the posts of people who have been avid players for years.
I wasted a lot of time as a child playing the original Sims. In our house there was an old computer, in a room that got improper heating. I’d go into the room, with a cup of hot peppermint tea, and start to play. I’d get so lost in the game that I forgot the cold, or even to drink my tea. Hours later, I’d realize that there was tea to drink, and it would be ice cold. (Winter) To this day, peppermint tea reminds me of the Sims. In fact, I have some right now. (Hence the Sims post.)
I’d also download user created content. Already there was a community of Sims players, and, at that time, I felt a part of it. Now I am an outsider remembering. I am disappointed that the Sims 4 will not be coming to the mac for so long. I’d love to be creating characters on the free Create a SIm Download. I’d create K-pop stars.
Really the Sims is a magical game, if you ship two people, you can create them in the game. Then you can work toward their relationship. That is a little freaky, and I have yet to do it. I am tempted. I am way to old to use the word ship, lol. Oh, young K-pop fans, you make me feel so old. I feel immature to ship Kai and Taemin. Let the Stars decide who they want to ship on their own. Yet, in the Sims you can decide.
Yet, I will have to wait, but I am used to it. I’ve had to wait for nearly every Sims since the first. Either it was because I had a mac, or my computer was to old. I’ve waited years before.
Luckily, I now work at a library that has a video game archive. I can play the game on a computer in the video game room. I am sure that they will purchase the game for the archive because IT IS THE SIMS. The Sims, if not as popular as before, is/are computer game legend.
I am afraid of my co-workers thinking I spend to much time on video games, when I start using the archive. I will likely get drawn into the game, and hours will pass. There might be a time limit, however. So that others can use the computers. There are only a few gaming computers.
Have wonderful day,
This isn’t about writing or art’s block. It is related though. Before I was very into the New Age, but I started to question it. I guess society’s stereotypes of the New Age began to influence me. I read scientific arguments against New Age beliefs, and began to doubt. So I decided to take a break from all things New Age.
Yet, now I feel dried out of inspiration. I am focused on my health, and getting my thyroid in good condition. Yet, it does not hold the same since of Awe that some of my old blog posts used to.
This dawned on me as I was watching a k-pop music video. I thought, how nice it would be to suddenly be able to understand Korean. Then I remembered a post (here) I had written about how in a past life I might have spoken Korean, and therefore my soul enjoyed hearing it again.
I compared the feeling I had writing that post to now. Lately most my posts feel bland, and I wonder why anyone would read them. I have gotten to caught up in labels and hormones. These things are important, and effect my day to day life. Yet, they are not nearly as fun as thinking about Past lives.
Yes, I am likely mildly autistic, while researching it, it was often like my own thoughts were being reflected at me. Yet, because I am high functioning it does little more then give me a label for my thoughts. My life isn’t going to change knowing I am autistic. I am high functioning to the point that even those close to me, do not think it is likely I am autistic. You’d have to be in my brain to know.
Yet, the possibility of being autistic has helped me accept things about myself a little more. Now I have an excuse for having no friends outside of family. This will not keep me from feeling lonely, but I can be more forgiving of myself.
And balancing my hormones will effect how I feel everyday, so it is important to research. Yet, researching it can often be frustrating in that getting help from Doctors is difficult. I repetitively read about how hard it is to find a good Doctor for one’s thyroid.
This research does not fill me with joy at all. Nothing has that magical feeling of being so right, which the New Age had. Sure, I felt like a impostor when writing about the New Age. That little scientist in me made me question everything I wrote. Yet, I didn’t feel the same.
I often find myself singing this song lately. It can be is isolating to be a k-pop fan. I envision playing music for strangers and saying isn’t this great. When asked what music I like, half the time I have to explain what k-pop means.
My little nephew and me take turns picking YouTube videos. He is not that impressed by dancing. He liked the video for Solo Day, and asked to see it again.
My nephew is the only person I watch k-pop with, and he considers it girl music… Which I object to (he is only 4).
I need someone to share with. My family never really does that, and I lack friends.
I might have already mentioned that my Doctor ordered an Ultrasound of my Thyroid because of the lab results. I was curious what was wrong, so I picked up the lab results.
It appears that I have a T3, compared to reverse T3 problem. I am still doing much better, but as the reverse T3 builds up in my system, that could change. Right now I am going to follow through with the conventional treatment (to see what is decided), but continue my research.
My research tells me that a T3 and T4 combination is sometimes used. It is hard to get the dosing of T3 right, because the lab results (when on the medication) vary greatly based on how long ago the T3 was taken. For this reason it is difficult to find a Doctor willing to tackle the prescription of T3.
I will talk to my current doctor about it, and this talk will decide whether I will continue to change Doctors. First, I will wait for the Ultrasound date (this Tue.), then I will schedule another appointment.
It might be too soon to ask for the prescription of T3. First, I should do what I can (through supplements, and healthy eating) to help my Thyroid be healthy so that it better convert T4 to T3. I also need to tackle my Adrenal gland problems, or it could under mind the Thyroid.
I will repeat that I am not overly stressed. I have proof in that when I got a massage I was told that, while I had muscle fatigue, I did not have knots in my shoulders. It was my first massage, and a attempt to help my Adrenal gland by relaxing.
So I think my Adrenal problems are not linked to over-stressing myself, and that my Adrenal glands are just naturally overactive. I will start supplements for the Adrenals as well, and continue to practice de-stressing techniques.
I will not have time to tell my Doctor all of this. Yet, I will have to plan, and maybe write out a timed speech. This is help me to figure out how to fit the important information into 10-15 mins appointments.